


Shadow

by suddenly_im_Mr_sex



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Concerningly high levels of sexual tension, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Relationships, Eventual Smut, F/M, Masturbation, Mention of SVU cases, Mentions of past sexual assault
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-17
Updated: 2016-08-17
Packaged: 2018-07-15 14:49:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 13,323
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7226842
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/suddenly_im_Mr_sex/pseuds/suddenly_im_Mr_sex
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Calhoun's husband's sister is in her final year of law school and is organised to shadow Barba for practical experience. While facing her own past demons, she also sees another side of him, one that she could see herself getting used to.<br/>First person, begins at 17x09 with the Hodda case.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Lesson One

**Author's Note:**

> Will occasionally change POV, but those parts will be labelled as such. Rating will change over time.  
> Please enjoy in every way possible, I love reviews (who doesn't) and would love to see that people are reading!  
> I will be updating regularly.

“You know he’s not gonna give a shit if your blazer doesn’t match your hair-tie, right?” I frowned into the mirror, desperately wishing I could mimic the picture of calmness that was my roommate. She always looked like that, completely unfazed by her surroundings, she looked like that walking into the bar exam, it was ridiculous.   
“I just want to make a good first impression.” I mumbled for the twentieth time that morning,  
“Do your makeup, I’ll put something together.” That was the other reason her calmness pissed me off, she was always right, I trusted her selection implicitly. After straightening my hair and applying makeup, I hurried back into the shared bedroom and appraised the outfit laid out for me; a pale blue blouse with a navy blazer, a pair of plain black pumps and my only pair of tailored business pants.   
“What do you think?”  
“You know it’s perfect.”  
“Yeah…”  
_______________________________________________________________________________  
I arrived at the courthouse steps almost twenty minutes early, filling in the time by checking Facebook and pacing around a hot dog vendor. I had only contemplated running home a couple of dozen times when Rita arrived.   
I was truly blessed to have her watching over my college progress, she had imparted so much knowledge, given so many study tips, not to mention being able to pull the strings for me to shadow an old college friend of hers.   
“How are you feeling?”  
“Like I wish I was shadowing you.” I sighed, staring at my foot, as if that would stop it from incessantly tapping.   
“You would be bored to tears Erin! Like I said, he can be grumpy, but if you can put up with him, you’ll learn a lot.” I nodded, drawing a long, shaky breath, and letting her lead the way.   
I strained my eyes as the courtroom doors opened, people flooding into the corridors, a cacophony of discontentment and tears.   
“Here he is,” she whispered as the man approached,   
“Rita, you wouldn’t believe it, Hodda just did a full one-eighty in the plea hearing and now I’ve gotta go after him for the weak…“  
“Rafael, this is Erin Murray.” He was more attractive in person than he had spoken at that press conference on the news the other week, although he looked just as flustered and over-worked. I held my hand out for longer than was necessary, but when the other person doesn’t shake it, what is the social etiquette? He stared at both of us blankly, “She’s going to be shadowing you, remember?”  
I watched as his brain clicked over, how he managed to display ‘of shit, I forgot’ without saying a single word. By now I had withdrawn my hand and was waiting for a socially acceptable time to remove myself from the man’s line of sight.   
“It’s okay, I can tell you’re busy, thanks anyway…” I began turning to leave, my eyes betraying me, prickling with tears of humiliation and wasted excitement.   
“Uhh no! Erin was it?” He held out his hand and I shook it, my head daring me to keep him waiting. “I’m sure we’ll be able to work something out.” He nodded and offered a quasi-genuine smile.   
I waved Rita off, feeling like a first grader being dropped at school on the first day. 

“So how do you know Rita?” he questioned, his eyes contemplating me before concentrating on my face.   
“Her husband is my older brother… I know that makes me sound like I’m asking for special favors just because we’re family… I’m not though, I really thought…” he put a hand out to silence me,  
“It doesn’t matter. You’re here now.” I couldn’t tell whether he was aiming for a calming tone, but if he was, he missed, by a longshot. It felt more like he was reminding himself of that irreconcilable reality.   
“I’ll be honest with you, you’re not cut out for this. I can tell. Maybe you’re just too young, and your confidence isn’t fully developed yet… but your presence isn’t to the standard that it should be. The courtroom isn’t right for you, how would you handle going up against lawyers like me?” Well Rita had said he could be grumpy but I had not been prepared, and I wouldn’t have agreed to shadow him if I knew he was going to be like this.   
Those familiar tears stung my eyes again as I failed to look up at him. We had barely been introduced and he was picking apart my aspirations, who I was as a person. I grabbed blindly for the door, willing myself to wait to get to the bathroom before the tears came.   
As I walked however, the tears started to itch, almost burning with anger, outrage, I found myself turning around, marching back to his office, flinging the door open again.   
“Seriously? You agree to do Rita a favour, you get one look at me and dismiss my ambitions right after you screw up by forgetting about the agreement? Maybe twenty nine is young for a prosecution lawyer, but that’s why I’m at Harvard, to get better, that’s why I came here, to learn from you, unfortunately though, I’m not willing to deal with you strutting around, treating me like shit, when there’s hundreds of lawyers who would do that for free. And maybe, just maybe I’d do a better job with a jury because I’m not trying to be an egotistical, condescending asshole!” My face was red, my ears hot, my eyes still itching, but I’d said my piece, I opened the door for the third time, turning on my heel,   
“Not bad.” It was almost a whisper, I turned, examining him, “That passion is very important… have you heard of Lewis Hodda?”  
“Sorry what?”

“Lewis Hodda.” He said, condescendingly slower,   
“I know the name, I want to know what suddenly changed your mind about me?” He sighed, before offering me a seat.  
“I work mainly in sex crimes, as a prosecutor, it is my job to speak for the victims. The crimes will make you angry, depressed, frustrated, and some will make you sick to the stomach. While abiding by the rules of the courtroom, and those of a prosecutor, you have to stick up for your complainant, fight for them. When you walked in, I thought there was no way you could be strong enough to fight back, so I found out the best way I know how…” I blushed,  
“I love the courtroom Mr Barba, I love the idea of forcing a criminal to see the damage they caused and how they’re going to pay for their actions. I love the idea of a complainant being able to look their attacker in the eye and know that they have ensured that that person never hurts another soul… and most of all I love speaking for a victim who feels that they have lost their voice, I may not seem like much, especially around well-dressed, rich, fast-talking ADAs, but fighting for justice in a courtroom, that’s my domain.” I hadn’t stuttered once, this was how I spoke during assignments, in mock trials, I swear I saw him nod slightly, but then he licked his lips and I almost fell off my chair.   
“I’m… we’re working with Special Victims on this one, the case has got a lot history with their lieutenant. I would suggest doing your homework on it before the motion hearing in the morning. I have the files digitised, if you have a flash drive I can…”   
“That’s okay, I prefer paper, I can go and copy them right?” He quirked an eyebrow but handed me the folder and pointed me towards the copy machine.  
After copying the files, I set myself up a ‘study area’ in the middle of the office floor. I categorised, colour-coded and annotated, every so often, feeling his intense glare on the back of my head. After I felt it maybe the fourth or fifth time I turned around to ensure I wasn’t just being paranoid, and there he was sitting at his desk, feet crossed atop it, staring right at me obviously over his notes.   
“What are you looking at?” I questioned shyly, he frowned, but a smirk pulled at the corner of his mouth a little,  
“I thought you young people liked everything online not… on the floor.” I rolled my eyes, smiling at the ground however, as I stared at the scattered pages (perfectly in order within my mind).   
“Us young people probably do as a general rule but… I seem to deviate from my generation on most things.” He smiled a little wider as I turned my attention back to the files,   
“Just don’t sit on the floor in the middle of the courtroom.”  
__________________________________________________________________________________  
BARBA POV:  
Well now he felt like an asshole, ‘there’s loads of Erin Murrays, this won’t be her’, he’d been telling himself as he clicked on impressive journals, articles and exposés. He felt more like a stalker as he exited out of ‘Google Scholar’ to ‘Google’, finding her LinkedIn straight away. Final year law student, three years in criminal psychology, and two years as a sexual therapist. He scrolled down to a videos section, finding only one, from a ‘Joyful Heart Foundation’ Gala.   
He clicked play and was confronted by a younger version of Erin, ascending shakily up some steps to reach a podium. She quite honestly looked as nervous as she had meeting him, and this was a crowd of incredibly important people.  
“Good evening ladies and gentlemen, firstly I have to thank those who have supported me and pushed unbelievably hard for my story to be heard. I can’t believe I am the brave woman addressing so many other brave women tonight. For those of you who do not know me, my name is Erin Murray, and like many of you, I was a victim of rape.” Barba audibly gasped, pausing the video before deciding to close the tab. He had spent the whole day feeling superior, teaching her the ins and outs of sex crimes while she quietly knew just as much or more than he ever would.   
In his effort to create a new tab, he moved from web search to image search, he had almost dismissed that none of these ‘Erin Murray’s’ were his shadow until he came across a link to a newspaper article, accompanied by the displayed photograph. ’21 Year Old Harvard Student Beaten and Raped Walking from Campus Library’, the tagline read. He shut the lid of his laptop, merely wondering how he can look at her tomorrow and not see that photo, the black eye, the broken nose, bruises of hands tight around her neck.  
He pressed his palms to his eyes, stretching as he moved from his desk chair and onto the bed. He leaned over to his nightstand and unlocked his phone,   
To: Erin Murray  
Hi Erin. You don’t have to come to the hearing tomorrow. I didn’t even ask if you wanted to work sex crimes. Sorry for the inconvenience I have caused you.  
\- ADA Barba.  
The message sent and as his head the pillows, he let his mind escape and leave him seven hours to dream of being in space, having to pick up dry-cleaning from Texas, or drinking mojitos on a cruise ship. But all he dreamed about was her- how could he tell Rita this wouldn’t work?   
__________________________________________________________________________________  
I grumbled into the pillow as my alarm sounded, College clearly had not prepared me for the working hours of those with proper jobs! On my third attempt at sitting up, I grabbed my phone, turning the alarm off and was annoyingly greeted by the loud ‘ping’ that accompanied a new message. Followed by another… and another, I silently vowed never to turn off my phone again. I ignored the two from my brother, in favour of a message from ‘Rafael Barba’.   
Reading it, I rolled my eyes, still confused by his ability to go from cocky narcissist, to devoting his life to fighting for justice for the powerless. I typed back a simple, ‘I’ll be there’ and threw a pillow at my roommate,   
“Wake up! I’m going to a court hearing… dress me!” She sighed, but immediately jumped out of bed, a huge grin on her face, yet another thing I could be envious of her for, bloody morning person.   
After two cups of coffee and half an hour of hair and makeup I felt reasonably presentable, even smiled a little when I appraised the outfit Lou had laid out. A white blouse with black spots, paired with a navy pair of tailored pants I had never seen before.   
“Don’t get creeped out, I saw your wardrobe and I didn’t want you to look… baggy, so I got you a pair of pants and took them to the woman who altered your black pair.” Lou was back in bed, covered in blankets. I smiled at her before leaping onto her bed, hugging her tightly through the mountain of bedding.   
“You’re brilliant.” I laughed, she shrugged in acceptance,   
“Knock ‘em dead.”  
__________________________________________________________________________________  
“Mr Barba!” I jogged to catch up with him, trying not to spend too much time thinking about how he looked in that three piece suit, with the briefcase, and the confidence, and his butt was… no I couldn’t spend too much time thinking about any… of that!   
“Morning.” He greeted me, his whole air of confidence seeming to evaporate.   
“Hey. So I think I’ve pretty much read everything I need to, to catch up. I should be…”  
“Are you sure you want to shadow on this case?” I quirked an eyebrow,  
“Of course, I mean it’s terrible… what happened, but I definitely want to see that man sent back to jail for the rest of his natural life.” Barba nodded, offering a smile that was neither genuine nor reassuring.   
“Barba! You brought back up?” A woman swaggered over to us, she reminded me a lot of Rita. This was the reason I was worried about being a lawyer. No matter how confident I felt, no matter how strong a case was, when they walked in like this, it was… rattling. Though I suppose that was the idea.  
“Lisa Hassler! What devil’s cause brings you to court?” And there it was, that complete, click of the finger change in attitude, he was back to his charming, overconfident self.   
“I’m taking over Hodda’s defence. Who’s the arm candy?” I stifled a grimace at the term,  
“Erin Murray, I’m shadowing ADA Barba… I’m final year law.” She shook my hand while completely ignoring my existence,   
“You wanna save the taxpayers money and plea this out to time served?” After what I’d spent the whole of yesterday reading, I could have slapped her, although I felt that a lot of being a lawyer was trying not to slap people.   
“I know you’re the pro-bono queen, but Hodda? He rapes and kills children!”  
“Allegedly, and singular.” Oof, she was good. I watched them, it felt like a dance, battling for dominance, the eye contact, the close proximity. It was like an educated version of the game ‘chicken’. “Nice to meet you Miss Murray.” She patted me on the shoulder like you would a pet, before squeezing between us and into the courtroom.   
“Lisa Hassler, wow. Her dad was a legend.”  
“Yeah, she’s still trying to impress him, he’s been dead for eleven years.” He opened the door for me, signalling me to my seat.   
I knew from the start of the hearing that Hassler’s motion to preclude mention of the other boy’s murder would be allowed. Barba fought hard but he was fighting an uphill battle. I tried to concentrate on his arguments, and not to look at Hodda, the urge to slap that whole side of the room was increasing at a frightening pace. At least the confession was admissible.   
“Lesson one. You don’t always win.” Barba grumbled as he packed his briefcase.   
“You couldn’t’ve expected to use the Wyatt case?”  
“I’m stubborn.”   
“Yeah, I noticed.”  
“We’ve gotta go break the bad news to the detectives working on the case. You up for it?” I nodded.   
_______________________________________________________________________________  
“How’d it go Counsellor?” A man about my age, asked over his shoulder,  
“Anything about Wyatt is excluded, confession’s admissible. Where’s Liv?”   
“She’s in her office, who’s this?” He pressed, Barba ignoring him,   
“Keep looking for anything that ties Hodda to Hector while he was still alive.” The younger man rolled his eyes but continued smiling, he was clearly used to this kind of treatment.   
It didn’t hit me until we entered her office, Special Victims, Lieutenant, Liv, it had been years since we’d seen each other, but I only knew her as Detective Olivia Benson.   
Barba broke the bad news, she looked different, I suppose I look a lot different now too. She was still gorgeous though, and while I could feel that she wasn’t as naturally cheery as she used to be, there was still a glint of hope and determination in her eyes.   
She talked strategy with Barba, now and again turning to look at me, obviously trying to place my face within the thousands she’d seen in the last eight years.   
“Oh sorry, I forgot to introduce, Liv this is Erin Murray, she’s shadowing me for this case, Erin, this is Lieutenant Olivia Benson.” We shook hands, her eyes still searching me for clues.   
“Barba, could you give the two of us a minute?” he looked at her, then me, before leaving the office without a word. “It’s been a long time.” I nodded,   
“Sure has. Lieutenant… wow.”   
“Yeah, well, it’s been a long road, for both of us. You look fantastic, how are you?” I smiled,   
“I’m good, this is my final year of law, then I’ll be putting people like… him away.”   
“I still think about your case you know. I am sorry we never found him.” I shook my head,   
“You did everything you could, you found me.” She smiled, she had a brilliant smile,   
“I gotta ask, how are you still in sex crimes? I saw Detective Tutuola… but everyone else is different. It doesn’t seem like the kind of job you can spend your whole life in?” She nodded, the smile fading a little,   
“It’s tough, I’ve been doing it sixteen years and it’s still as tough as my first day, but this is where I belong, and nothing reminds me of that quite like seeing you here, a whole new woman.” I blinked back tears, she was proud of me, I wasn’t used to that.  
Barba knocked on the door, “Does he know what you’ve been through?” I shook my head, “You should. He’s never let anyone shadow him before. He really would care.” She signalled for him to come in,  
“We’re needed in court in half an hour, you don’t have time for… whatever you’re doing.” He stated nervously,   
“We were just catching up, old friends.” Liv smiled, he uncomfortably left the room again.   
_______________________________________________________________________________  
“Dr Huang!” Liv called out, bringing him into a hug on the courthouse steps, “You remember ADA Barba.”   
“We’ve met.” Barba mumbled,   
“And… Erin! I never forget a pretty face.” Dr Huang smiled, my face turning an ugly shade of red. Barba watched me curiously as Liv chatted to the doctor. He must have been wondering what possible reason I could have for knowing them both.   
“You’ll definitely see him later…” Barba grumbled, “Hassler hired him as her expert forensic psychiatrist.”  
“For what? Hodda’s not insane! He gave that confession voluntarily, okay? It’s not like we beat him with rubber hoses!”  
“I’m sure you didn’t, but please don’t sound that defensive on the stand. Hassler’s sharp, and Huang’s a hired gun-down, they’ll find something.”  
We parted ways with Liv and were soon on the way back to his office to continue building his case.   
“You live uptown right?” I nodded, “Would you mind going to see Hector’s mother briefly, she takes the stand in the morning, she could use some hand holding. Be supportive, she’s a good woman.” This was the side of Barba I had only seen glimpses of, the side that proved that he wasn’t a lawyer so he could strut around and look clever, he really cared. I could’ve sworn I saw a tear in his eye when he told me that she still lived in the same apartment she always had… just in case her little boy came back.   
________________________________________________________________________________  
I couldn’t honestly believe I was sitting beside the prosecutor, in the Supreme Court, actually being a part of a trial, I would have been excited were it not for the circumstances. Delores was the strongest woman I had ever seen, to be on the stand, it was incredible. Barba was so soft, he spoke to her like his own mother.   
I could almost feel the rage emanating from him as he objected to Hassler’s implications of Liv’s actions, not slapping people was clearly not just a hardship of mine.   
When we broke for lunch, I went alone, he told me he had to prep with Liv, but I was clearly not being extended an invitation. There was definitely something between them, I would have assumed a romantic link if it weren’t for the tension between them when the court reconvened.   
Hassler was too good, she had tainted Liv’s reputation, she was making this child rapist and murderer look like a victim. I felt useless until he stuttered on the stand, he called Hector a little boy, it was a tell, and I knew it. I wrote it on a notepad and slid it over to Barba who nodded thoughtfully.   
Barba’s cross-examination was brutal, making Hodda admit that he knew Hector was a stroke of genius. His chest was puffed up while the court was at recess, his smile made his eyes light up, it was so sweet to see him winning when it had been a mess from the start.   
“Are you gloating?” Hassler questioned as we walked by her,   
“Guilty.” Barba chuckled, but she was confident, making some remark about how he’d just made her case, the smile was gone, I hoped she was bluffing, but Barba seemed to know better.   
Huang hung us out to dry, Barba’s objections did nothing and suddenly we were on the losing side again, the smile was gone as quickly as it had appeared.   
As the trial continued, things became even bleaker. Barba’s closing argument made sense to me, having all of the information, but to a jury, it was complicated.   
Every time the jury came back, it was with more questions, it was six days when Hassler offered a deal, it wasn’t fair but it had to be done.   
“The jury’s deadlocked, Hassler won’t stay true to the deal, it’s gonna be a mistrial.” He was almost yelling, I wished there was something I could do. When the mistrial was announced, his hands balled into fists, pure agony written on his face as he turned to face Hector’s mother.   
“There’s going to be a gathering at Hector’s memorial tonight, I’m going, do you want to join me?” I nodded, it almost sounded like he was asking me on a date, I was having to work harder to suppress those thoughts now.   
We watched as many lit candles in front of his mural, turning only as Liv arrived with the other boy’s mother, my heart broke for Hector’s mother,   
“He’s getting away with it.” She cried hopelessly,   
“No, he won’t.” I stared at Barba as the other woman spoke of trying Hodda on both cases, unlike this trial, it would be an easy win. He smiled sadly, eyes fixed on Hector’s mother.   
“Lesson two. Just because you don’t always win, doesn’t mean you should give up.”


	2. Atypical Day At The Office

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set during the events of Townhouse Incident & A Misunderstanding, includes actual dialogue as well as plenty of my own. Erin realises she's starting to care.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, this is a pretty short chapter but I felt it was important context and character building for Erin and Barba. More juicy stuff will be added within the hour. Please kudos/follow/favourite/comment... I would love to know if anyone actually wants to read more, or if it's just me :)

“Finally…” He muttered, ending his phone call, “That was Dodds, they think they’ve caught the push-in rapist.”  
“That’s good isn’t it?” he chuckled dryly,  
“Could be. You get the coffees, I’ll get the file sorted.”  
“Wow, only two weeks before you trust me with your coffee order.” He smirked as I turned to leave.

For once, we were greeted by good news, multiple ID’s, forensic evidence,   
“You were right, this is good.” He smiled at the team, “Nice work, where’s Liv?”  
“She’s still at the DNA conference.”   
“No, she’s not. I was there all morning, I would’ve seen her.” It was true, he’d been complaining about having to attend for almost a week. 

In minutes, Liv’s babysitter had arrived with a weird text, no one had heard from her in hours and she was coding that she was in danger. Everyone looked worried but Barba was… shaken, calling her number over and over, pacing holes in the carpet.   
“Get tac, the whole bit, if she’s already been in there for hours, we need to go now.”  
“Should I… I should go.” I mumbled, packing up my things,  
“Y-you don’t have to.” I barely heard him, but he was looking at me, eyes glassy, bottom lip almost trembling with worry. “She said you’re old friends… stay.” That was all I needed to hear, I wished I could hold him, tell him everything would be okay, I stayed my professional distance, but it broke my heart. 

“We’ve got the third hostage taker in custody, Barba, you’re up.” Dodds called out, I looked at him pleadingly, “Miss Murray, it is important for you to see how the ADA works under pressure.” I silently thanked him, following closely behind Barba.   
Barba was frenzied, he talked loud and fast, getting what he needed, the third man clearly shitting himself at the sight of the combined police and attorney presence. 

It was almost an hour before the gunshot went off, we had been told to stay inside the NYPD van but I saw Barba walk straight to the door, only to be pulled back by two officers. He looked just like a scared kid. At Harvard, he was something of a hero, with his come from behind victories and obscure tactics. I never wanted to see him look so powerless. 

“Sniper got him.” One of the officers spoke, receiving the good news in his ear. Barba busted out of the van and onto the street, I watched his line of vision, Carisi and an older man from IAB were holding her arms, escorting her to the ambulance. 

I couldn’t place the mixture of emotions on his face as I caught up with him,   
“She’s okay. Thank god.” I said reassuringly, waiting for his reaction. He simply nodded, walking away,   
“I’ll see you in the morning.”  
_________________________________________________________________________________  
BARBA’S POV:

“Rita! To what do I owe this pleasure… at six in the morning?” She sauntered into his office, sitting in one of the chairs opposite him.   
“How are you going with Erin?” Her tone was careful, almost hopeful,   
“She’s… good. She’s got a lot of potential, she seems to know a lot about… the work I do.” His eyes wouldn’t settle on anything in particular, careful to feel out Rita’s knowledge. 

She let out a laugh, “Well she is devoting her life to being a lawyer, she’d want to be fairly clued in.”   
He pressed, “I mean with sex crimes, has she… specialised?” Rita swallowed loudly, looking to his desk rather than into his eyes, as she usually did.   
“You could say that. I think you should really ask her.” He shook his head, ignoring her,   
“How long does she want to shadow me?” She looked into his eyes, squinting, searching for his intention,   
“As long as you’ll have her, I expect. She has to have three months experience to get a job in any of the firms she’s looking at… maybe another week or two?” Rita asked hopefully.   
“Oh.”   
“What?”  
“It’s just… you know I prefer to work alone.” That was true, he didn’t like to be followed, his business pried into, but it didn’t seem like an invasion of privacy from her, he just didn’t know how long he could control the barrage of feelings he faced every time he looked at her. 

“You don’t like working with idiots, Rafael. Erin isn’t an idiot.”   
“No. She’s not.” He admitted through gritted teeth, trying to make her understand without blurting out his idiotic crush, “I guess I’ll just buck up.” He sighed, causing her to smile.   
“Thank you Rafael.”  
_______________________________________________________________________________  
“Alright, this one’s a little different. Abby Stewart, fifteen. She is claiming to have been raped by her date at their school dance. Chris Roberts, rich family, no priors, claims it was consensual.”  
“He said, she said. What’s so different about that?”  
“Abby’s mom is a good friend of Rita’s. It could get ugly.”

Barba briefed me in the back of the Uber, I’d had a week off shadowing him to study for finals, it appeared I was being thrown back in the deep end.   
Carisi ushered us into Liv’s office as she tried to fend off Rita who was fishing for any information she could get. Soon we were all in the office together, Carisi opening the door to let in Counsellor Buchanan, who I knew by reputation only. 

He was one of the best defence lawyers in New York, better than Rita from what I had heard, mainly due to his brutality, his lack of respect for the victims at times had become notorious in the Harvard community. He was expensive, ruthless, and represented the most heinous of criminals.   
We watched from the interrogation viewing room as Abby made our case even more difficult to prosecute. The boy, his parents, Buchanan, were all leaving, like the matter was resolved. To make matters worse, Rita was waiting outside for us, pushing Barba to indict like I’d seen Liv do before. They played with his passion for justice, even on the unwinnable cases. 

Within hours, partly due to a ridiculous, Dead-Poet’s-Society-esque wall of ‘cherry pickers’ names behind a portrait in the library, we should have been able to work out a deal. The confrontation at the Stewart’s was painful but finally, they agreed to sexual misconduct. The Roberts’ however, were a different story. Buchanan was there, blocking Barba every time. 

It was clear that this trial was between the teenagers’ parents, I remembered being told what I wanted very clearly from my own adolescence.   
“I bet they’re both wishing they could just forget about it.” I mumbled, Barba grunting at the statement.   
“I wish you weren’t here for this case, I’m pursuing this like I would in any other case Erin, but normally I know I’m doing what’s best for all parties. This doesn’t feel like it.”

In court, he explained the texts, the late disclosure, it was all he could do, but Buchanan lived up to his reputation. The way he turned Liv’s words, I had never seen it, and I never wanted to see it again.

Watching Abby on the stand was brutal, it felt so familiar, our situations were different, but the look in her eyes, the shame was oh so reminiscent. I tried to take notes of Barba’s tactics, he was visibly shaking with frustration beside me, objecting whenever he could, watching on as Buchanan ripped her to shreds, I nearly snapped when her father attacked Barba outside, ‘you could have done more!’, he had said, no matter how untrue, I knew his words would echo in Barba’s head.   
When Chris Roberts took the stand, I saw a side of Barba I had only heard rumours of. He was quick, aggressive, he was still shaking when he sat down. I worried how long he could do this, like Liv had said, most people couldn’t stay with sex crimes. I worried about him long after I went home for the day. 

When the jury returned, it was technically a win, it didn’t feel like it though, as a fight broke out between the families, Chris and Abby staring helplessly at each other behind the line of parents and security. I took a shaky breath and Barba placed a hand on my shoulder,   
“Let’s go, you don’t need to see any of this.” We walked down the courthouse steps, I folded my hands in front of me,   
“What do we do now? Just go pick up another case?”  
“I do, yeah. I’m always working more than one, so there’s always another one to dive into. You on the other hand, you should go home for the rest of the day. Think about if you want this kind of disappointment hanging over you all the time.” 

My heart sunk as I imagined his lost cases hanging over his head in every waking moment. I wanted so badly to kiss him until he forgot. Maybe it was just another excuse my brain could imagine to kiss him.   
“Are you sure?” I mumbled, I didn’t want him to be alone, I didn’t want to be alone either.  
“Yes. Erin, go, be with someone you love.” I nodded, smiling sympathetically,  
“What about you?” He frowned, a flicker of sadness in his eyes,  
“Back to work.”


	3. Tension

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set during and after the events of Forty-One Witnesses. Erin gets to see Barba using his mad court tactics to win a losing battle. They go for a drink to celebrate, how could that possibly go?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Changing the rating to mature at this point, mentions and some description of masturbation (male and female), if this doesn't float your boat like it floats mine, please skip to the next chapter at the 'BARBA POV' point.  
> Otherwise, enjoy a teensy smidge of smut to keeep you interested ;P

After three weeks of working with Barba, I was more confident, smarter and had surpassed almost everyone’s expectations. I was on my way to pick up another $20 from Fin who had assured me I wouldn’t last more than two weeks.   
Carisi had bet one, Rollins two and Liv refused to get involved. 

“I don’t know how you do it.” Carisi chuckled as Fin handed over the cash.   
“He doesn’t mess with me like you.”   
“You gotta wonder what that means…” Carisi chuckled, rolling his eyes, no one else laughed. He really didn’t know when to pipe down.   
“What?” I questioned, he was almost a foot taller than me, but I could get in his way, causing him to backtrack,  
“I don’t know, I just… never mind.” Liv and Barba walked out of her office,   
“Squaring up to Carisi, Erin? You really are turning into Barba.” Liv chuckled, Barba smiling a little at the idea of having a protégé, merely for the purpose of bullying the newbie detective. 

As we were briefed on the latest case, I felt the same heartbreaking sympathy for the victim, but I at least felt that this could be a case where the victim gets their justice, and the criminals lose their freedom.   
The two other attorneys were no threat, but Counsellor Henderson was clever, he seemed as if he genuinely cared about the victim, before tearing their story apart on the stand. Every time I felt that we had some control over the outcome, another obstacle would appear.   
This case had meant more late nights and early mornings than ever before in the office, I allowed myself to dive head first into the work, as Barba clearly did on every case. 

When Carisi’s surprise witness arrived at court drunk, Liv had to drag Barba away, I could only watch on. I never thought law would be all wins, but I didn’t expect this either. 

I had no doubt that the defence would realise the witness was intoxicated, but when Counsellor Henderson asked him, I was shattered, it was over.   
“Redirect, your honour?”

“I’ll allow.” I hadn’t been expecting it, he was grasping at straws. As he questioned the witness, I couldn’t help but smile, it was a terrible situation but I was in shock. Counsellor Henderson objected, “This had better be good Mr Barba.” And it was, the whole state of the case changed as the witness correctly remembered the make-up of the jury. Henderson shifted in his seat, the whole courthouse was looking around, Barba smirked as he sat down. Eidetic. Doug had said he was eidetic. That one detail changed the outcome, shadowing him was worth it to witness this moment. I wish I could say that it hadn’t been sexy. 

That power, the way he walked, the look in his eyes when he glanced at Counsellor Henderson, when he refused his deal, when the guilty verdict came down, when Liv congratulated him, god I wanted him. The jealous side of me wished there wasn’t something between him and Liv, I didn’t know what it was, but I was clearly years too late. Still, it didn’t make the ache deep inside me any less real. 

“We should all go for a drink, to celebrate.” I offered, the detectives shaking their heads,   
“Not tonight.” They agreed. I stared at the ground, contemplating the lonely drive home. 

“I could use a nightcap.” Barba offered a shy smile which I returned. I hadn’t reacted as my mind conjured up thoughts of him, us, together, but suddenly we shared a smile and I was blushing, feeling the heat gather in my face among other places.   
It would have been easier if the night was bad, if we were awkward together, if we couldn’t make conversation, it would be easier if every time he moved, I didn’t pray for him to take me against the wall.

“Thanks for staying.” I whispered. The music was loud but we were close, my index finger drew circles on the bar.  
“That’s what friends do.” He smiled, his face rapidly turning as red as mine, “I should really get out of here though.” I nodded, watching as he slid off his stool, gathering his things before leaving me with a light tap on the arm, “See you tomorrow.”  
__________________________________________________________________________________  
Barba POV  
Accepting that invitation felt remarkably like giving up. He had convinced himself to limit his time with her, especially personal time. She was hard to resist, and he knew he didn’t have the self-control to remind her that this kind of fraternising with a co-worker could majorly damage her future employment opportunities.   
He was fairly sure she was talking about Rollins’ daughter when he noticed her finger making slow circles on the polished wood. He had admired those long fingers, typing, eating, his knees almost buckled that day she’d eaten a packet of chips, sucking the salt off her fingers, one by one.   
He looked up at her mouth, sucking almost pornographically on a straw, her cheeks hollowed, he felt his cock twitch with interest. 

“Thanks for staying.” She smiled so sweetly, he couldn’t look at her mouth right now, his pants were too tight for that.   
“That’s what friends do.” He made his excuses and caught the nearest cab back to his apartment, not able to waste time debating the moral abhorrence of masturbating to the thought of his student and friend of sorts. 

He barely made it to the couch, his legs shaky from the pleasure of every stroke of his cock, even through two layers of fabric.   
As one hand unbuckled his pants, the other loosened his tie, tugging at the top two buttons. Soon, his suit pants and briefs were pooled at his ankles, his hand barely having to move as his hips bucked up, searching for more friction. 

It was embarrassingly quickly that he reached his climax, groaning, biting his lip hard enough to draw blood. He shook his head as he took stock of himself, dishevelled, still half-dressed, in his living room, shame washed over him in a nauseating wave. 

He had to put an end to this, he would have to call her, maybe he could do it through Rita, he couldn’t be locked in that office with her tomorrow, all the scenarios playing out in his head, all the reminders that he’d been so desperate to get off, he hadn’t even taken off his shoes. 

Little did he know, in a shower, in a very different apartment, in a very different part of town, Erin shook with the power of her own orgasm. This was not good.


	4. Picking Up the Pieces

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Events take place during the events of Nationwide Manhunt & the catholic church arc (no I can't be bothered imdb-ing the episode titles). He's been keeping her out of the office for a month, blaming the latest scandals. Erin surprises him with coffee only to overhear his and Olivia's argument.

“Hey Erin, I was thinking maybe you should have a week off. Give you some time to work on your assignments…”  
“We’re on break at the moment, I don’t have any work I have to do.”  
“You’re on break, in college, go out, get drunk, see friends…”  
“Barba? What’s…?”  
“I don’t want you involved with this one. I’m going with Liv to visit Gregory Yates and Carl Rudnick. I know you want practical experience, but I don’t want you around them. Ever.” He sounded so protective of me, I knew I was overthinking, but it was still sweet of him to care.  
“Got it. I’ll take a week off. But if something comes up, tell me you’ll call?” he sighed through the speaker,  
“Yeah, okay.”  
I’d enjoyed about seven hours of my week off when I received a call from a panicked sounding Carisi,  
“Hey Erin, you seen Barba today?”  
“No, he said he was going with Liv to see Yates and Rudnick, I haven’t seen him since yesterday.”  
“Okay, that’s okay. I’ll talk to you late-“  
“Carisi, don’t you dare hang up. What’s going on?”  
“Ah… well Liv called us when they got there, but we haven’t heard from them in a while.”  
“How long is a while?”  
“It’s about four hours.” He admitted nervously,  
“I’m on my way.” I hung up before I could hear his protests, that it wasn’t necessary, that there was probably nothing to worry about.  
When I arrived, I was greeted by Carisi,  
“We just heard from Liv, I knew you’d be driving so I didn’t…”  
“Is he okay? Are they… what happened?”  
“They’re both fine Erin, the prison was in lockdown so they couldn’t use their phones.”  
“Lockdown? What for?”  
“Uhh… Yates and Rudnick are gone.” I fell silent, Barba had told me their stories, I even snuck Yates’ file home one night to read, after Carisi told me how Barba managed to get Yates to lose his cool in court.  
I quickly searched my contacts, calling Barba again, this time met with a tired sounding hello.  
“God I was worried. Carisi called me when they couldn’t get a hold of you or Liv… I heard about Rudnick and Yates, I’m… so glad you’re okay.” There was a dry chuckle on the other end of the line,  
“Well, we’re fine, we’re on the long drive back now. Get back to your week off.” He ended the call and I forced myself to turn around, where Carisi was watching me.  
“I dunno whether you sounded more like his Mom or his wife.” He chuckled, I felt my ears getting hot,  
“We were all worried.” I snapped, walking as fast as I could out of the squad room.  
________________________________________________________________________________  
My week off turned into two weeks, three, soon it had been a month of ‘it’s a bad time’. I couldn’t deny it, from Yates, to Hank Abraham, to the church scandal, I could barely believe Barba was still on his feet.  
I could deal with not being a part of the cases, but I hadn’t even seen him in weeks. I made a coffee run and drove straight to his office, I tried to convince myself that I was doing this for him and not for me.  
When I arrived, Dodds was leaving, Carmen was nowhere to be seen. I was seconds from knocking when I heard Liv’s voice.  
“We’re way past that, what is this about?” She sounded defensive, I knew I shouldn’t have been listening, but I couldn’t walk away, not when I heard Barba’s voice. It was quiet, he sounded so tired. As they argued, they only sounded worse,  
“You’re wrong about him, trust me!”  
“Wait. Are you involved with him?”  
“Don’t ask me that.”  
“When were you gonna tell me? I am informing you that a captain at IAB might be involved in a sex trafficking ring and you don’t mention that the two of you are sleeping together?” God he sounded broken, betrayed. I let Liv walk right by me, he looked out the open door, didn’t even bother to mask the pain in his expression.  
“I’m sorry.” I whispered, I saw the wetness in his eyes and placed the coffees on his desk. It had only been a few months, but it felt like forever that I had been craving him. For once though, I saw him and I just wanted to hold him, I didn’t need anything else.  
He hadn’t moved a muscle since Liv walked out. I threw my arms around his neck, squeezing him close. “Erin, I…”  
“You love her.” I whispered, “I know. It’s okay.” I wouldn’t release him, not yet, not until he knew that I understood.  
He pulled me back, still gripping my shoulders,  
“I don’t know what we had, but it wasn’t like that.” I frowned confusedly, “I love her like a best friend… I just can’t believe she wouldn’t tell me.”  
“I’m sorry.” He pulled me closer this time, we stood there for minutes, I let everything else escape but the feeling of our bodies close, arms around each other, I hoped he could do the same.  
All of a sudden, I felt his entire weight leaning into me, thankfully not dropping him in a heap as I quickly realised he had passed out. I managed to lay him atop his desk before my arms gave up, I tipped out the remnants of coffee from his mug and filled it with water, noticing the trash can full of screwed up paper, coffee cups, fast food wrappers and an empty packet of paracetamol.  
When he awoke, less than a minute later, his face was pale and sweaty, he tried to sit up and I carefully helped him move to his chair, handing him the water.  
“Drink. And tell me your address so I can make sure you get home without passing out again.”  
He wrote it down and slid it across the desk,  
“Tell me you won’t tell… the others?” I smiled understandingly,  
“I won’t, but if they didn’t expect so many miracles from you, you wouldn’t be passing out in your office at nine pm.”  
“You think I’m going above and beyond my duties?” He quirked an eyebrow before looking me up and down,  
“What must I be doing to you, that you’re picking me up off the floor in my office at nine pm?”  
“You’ve got no idea.” I whispered under my breath as I called a taxi.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Erin gets Barba home, they both see something that puts a whole lot of strain on their relationship.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a short fill chapter. Crucial to plot but not much fun. More to come within 24hrs.

His place was gorgeous, smaller than I expected but tastefully decorated, an air of stylishness carrying across every room. 

Barba continued to insist that he was ‘fine, just tired’ but I was done letting him dismiss me every time things got tough. I watched him trudge down the hallway as I fixed him some Asprin and a glass of water. I followed his path to the bedroom, silently watching from the doorway, as he changed into sweats. 

Facing away from me, I let my eyes wander over his body, my brain mapping every freckle, every scar, every part I wished I could kiss. As he tied the drawstring of his sweatpants I took a few steps back, pretending to arrive at the doorway,

“I brought you some Asprin, you might want to…”

“Thanks. I will. I’m just gonna get some sleep. I’ve got a big week ah-“

“Stop.” I couldn’t stand him pushing me away like this, sheltering me, despite the fact that no one ever gave him that courtesy. “You think you can’t trust me?” I pushed, the words stung, I felt a twinge of the betrayal I had seen on his face earlier. 

“I think you should go home.” His voice was shaky and quiet,

“Do you want me to go home?” He looked down to the polished floor, 

“Go.” He whispered. That wasn’t an answer. 

“Barba..?”

“Go.” I turned on my heel, almost sprinting out of his house, begging myself to get to the street before the tears came.

BARBA'S POV:

He was starting to worry about permanent damage, the discomfort he used to feel around her had built into an unfulfilled ache that grew as days passed.   
The night Erin brought him home was the straw that broke the camel’s back, watching through the bedroom mirror as she appeared in the doorway.   
Blood flowing faster as she looked over his body, feeling his heart beat when her eyes stilled, darkening and licking her lips before continuing their appraisal. 

He was just starting to learn how to hide his feelings around her, repeating his mantra in his head, ‘she doesn’t really like you, you’re just seeing what you want to see’. But he wasn’t. It was the truth. His feelings were returned. 

He hadn’t even considered that. There was so much at stake, their reputations, his job, their business relationship. What if she wanted to date him? To marry him? What if she just wanted a one-night stand? Or what if he had read the whole situation wrong and she was just looking at something else in the room, maybe she was just looking out of pure curiosity? 

His brain spun out of control, questioning itself, trying to replay a hundred interactions, a thousand times. 

He had panicked, rudely insisting that she leave before he could ruin it all. He slept long that night, long but not well. He no longer felt like sleeping, but his head ached with fatigue. 

His memory still offered an endless loop of her crying on the sidewalk, she'd held it together while she made a phone call, but as she ended the call, she took a seat, defeated on a park bench across from his apartment. 

Could you get a migraine from guilt? Carisi said you could. He was probably wrong. Maybe he would be the first?


	6. Reconnecting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set during 17x20, Erin is consulting on the case and sees Barba again for the first time since he told her to leave.

“Hey Erin, it’s Sally Landry… from school, yeah… I heard you’re working with… uh… I was raped a couple days ago and my boyfriend… you remember Matty? He’s hurting me.” My fists clenched at the familiar admissions. 

“Sally, where are you? I’ll come to you.”

“No! No, Matty’s gonna pick me up soon. I just… do you still work with sex crimes?”

“Yes, are you sure you don’t want-“ The call ended and I frantically grabbed my coat, almost falling down the stairs trying to dial my phone while I walked. 

“Hey Liv, have you been in contact with a woman named Sally Landry?”

“Erin, yeah, how do you-?” 

“I’m on my way.”   
__________________________________________________________________________________  
“Liv! Hey, I got a call from Sally just before I called you, she said she’d talked to you and then she just hung up, I don’t know if she-“ I was cut off as Barba and Sally rounded the corner. Their conversation stopped as our eyes met,

“The assistant’s willing to take a deal and testify for us so…” Barba continued, turning back to Sally who nodded quickly, her eyes darting around the room like a scared mouse. 

“Sally, I’m so sorry.” I slowly pulled her into a hug, listening to Liv explain my appearance to Barba. 

“Where’s Matt?” She shook her head, 

“I overreacted.” She smiled faux-reassuringly, “He’s been so good for staying with me…” I remembered feeling that worthless, like I was the one at fault. 

Leaning away, I risked a glance at Barba, feeling his gaze like an itch on my skin. 

“Right… so that should be all for today, are you staying uptown, Sally?”

“Actually, I was going to ask you a few more questions about Matt. My office is just through here…” Liv led Sally away, leaving Barba and I opposite each other for the first time in just under a month. 

“When you told me to go, I didn’t know you meant forever.” I mumbled, loud enough that he could hear, but still quiet enough that I could hold back the tears. 

“I thought it proved pretty clearly that we shouldn’t work together. I’ve signed off on your professional hours.” He was cold, there was no emotion under the surface, just composure, a perfect picture of professionalism. 

“I’m not pissed because you hadn’t signed off on my professional hours. I’m pissed because…” I trailed off, “It doesn’t matter, I’m sure I’ll see you around.”

The case was a mess from start to finish, it’s not often that rapist’s get shot in the crotch, I only wished it could take away Sally’s pain, it wasn’t as if Matt was a port in the storm. 

As for mine, we hadn’t spoken since I surprised him in the squad room, though I could always feel him staring.   
I had stubbornly agreed to drinks with the team, on the word that Barba wouldn’t be there. I knew Liv had been waiting for a quiet time to interrogate me about the missing time.

“Where have you been? I had no idea your hours were done.” We both knew damn well that my hours weren’t done, she must have thought she was being subtle. 

“Nearly, I’ve still got around twenty-five left if I want one of the better paid firms, but I only expected to shadow Barba for one or two cases.”

“Speaking of Barba…” 

“Smooth.” I chuckled and she rolled her eyes, 

“I have to ask! You two were getting along so well, and then you just drop off the planet. Any time I mention you, he goes all weird!” I raised a questioning eyebrow, 

“You know, awkward! It’s unsettling seeing him like that. When were you gonna tell me you weren’t working with him anymore?”

“Probably about the time you were gonna tell me about your boyfriend.” Her eyes widened, 

“How did you-?” “Okay. I’ll tell you, if you tell me.” I held my hand out, shaking it, she ordered another round of drinks. 

I listened as she talked about how sweet ‘Ed’ was, how good he was with Noah, how different they both were from ten years ago, at the same time wondering what Barba was doing right now. 

“Your turn. What happened?” She had said no holds barred, and I respected that, admitting that I had listened in on their argument about Tucker, how he had been almost crying, how I’d helped him get home, how I’d grown rather fond of him, only omitting his fainting spell. I hated that I still felt some kind of affinity to keep his secrets. 

“And then what?” she asked as I finished the story, sipping on my drink again,

“What do you mean? And then… I got the phone call from Sally.” 

“You didn’t hear from him in all that time?”

“Not specifically, he told Rita to tell me he was too busy for me to shadow anymore, but that’s it.” She looked puzzled,

“What?”

“He’s at his office until late tonight. Go and see him, for the sake of the whole squad, he’s been unbearable.”

Everything until knocking on his office door felt like a blur, it was just my hand on the door handle, opening it, unconsciously smiling at the sight of him sleeping in his chair, feet crossed atop the desk like he often worked. 

“Barba.” I shut the door behind me, I needed to talk to him now or I never would. I was all nerves and stubbornness, and slightly tipsy courage. He jumped in his seat, making a funny little snorting noise as his breathing levelled out.

“Miss Murray, what can I do for you?” And there was the full courtroom persona, 

“I need you to cut the crap. We need to talk.” Clearly not fully convinced, he offered me a seat,

“State your case.” 

“At your place, I said stop, you shut me out of everything, every time a case got hard, every time it upset you, you would send me away.”

“I didn’t want you to get hurt.”

“Yeah, that was what I thought it was too, until you told me to leave when I helped you get home. You felt betrayed by Liv, man I get it. I know what it’s like to fall for someone who clearly doesn’t give a shit. But while I’ve been shadowing you, I’ve learned so much, the squad said you were different with me, I thought maybe we were friends, like you could tell me shit when you needed someone to talk to. But no, you sent me away, and then you never called, and then Rita tells me you’re too busy to have me around? I thought I earned just an ounce of your respect Counsellor, but apparently I wasn’t worth it, and unlike when I state a case in law, you don’t get to decide if my opinion is valid or not, because it is, it just hurt too much for you not to hear it.” It took me a moment for my brain to catch up with my mouth, I stood too quickly, nearly overbalancing with the alcohol sloshing around in my head.

He leaned forward, grabbing my hand, stabilising me. 

“Let me state mine?” I barely heard him, his voice, normally all bravado, was as unsteady as it had been that night at his house. I sat down again, gesturing for him to speak. 

“I wanted you to go because I couldn’t think with you there. I had so much shit going around in my head, I needed to think clearly again, and I couldn’t think about anything except you. We were friends and that was why you had to leave, I tried not to be different with you, but you made me different, I felt betrayed by Liv but I didn’t fall for her, I haven’t thought that for years! I fell for you, and I told you to leave so you would never have to know.” His voice broke, it was louder, but full of shame.   
I sat frozen in my seat, the alcohol slowing my reaction time a little. 

“You?” He refused to look away from the carpet beneath his desk, 

“You don’t have many hours of professional experience left to complete, do you?”

“Wh- no. Why?” I couldn’t be blamed for being slow on the uptake, it was a big moment, and his mind clearly worked a lot faster than mine,

“I want you to finish your hours, I wouldn’t’ve met you if it weren’t for that, I want for this not to have been a waste.” I smiled as his eyes met mine, 

“Okay.” He held his hand out over the desk, I shook it, lingering as he brushed his thumb over mine, caressing it, goosebumps raising up my arm. 

“See you Monday morning.”


	7. No More Running

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Barba is going to have to make a choice between what he wants, and what is easy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know... this chapter is disgustingly short, I'm working on the next chapter or two, but I'm being very picky so be patient xx

The week that followed was as boring as it was awkward. It was well-known that last Friday night at his office was not to be discussed. We did our best to work together like we used to, though mostly in silence. I felt like this was probably more like the shadowing experience other students had endured. Although, having closed an assault case at the end of the week, it felt good to be back.   
As he signed off another fourteen hours, he looked up at me as I beamed at the almost-complete professional experience log.   
“Seven hours to go, this next one should be your last case.” He smiled, I nodded, unsure whether it was invitation for me to ask what would happen after that.  
“So, it’s Friday night, do you want to… go for a drink or something?” he smiled genuinely at me for the first time in too long,  
“I think this week has been tense enough, don’t you?” I laughed, looking down at my shoes as a deep blush spread across my cheeks, I wondered how I’d managed without that smile.   
“Yeah, I suppose. G’night.”   
“Night.”

BARBA POV:  
Watching her leave, he took a deep breath, letting his head tip back into his chair. Opening a new tab on his laptop, he opened the Joyful Heart’s Gala video he had closed prematurely many weeks ago. Despite feeling nauseous with the guilt of watching the video without her knowledge, he pressed play, listening as she recalled various painful details of her attack.   
She preached strength, determination, and willingness to seek help as her saviours, he felt on the edge of tears as various people around the room stood to applaud her, joined by others, starting an impromptu standing ovation.   
Leaning back in his chair again, he closed his eyes, allowing himself to fall asleep at his desk for the fifth night that week.   
_________________________________________________________________________________  
In the early morning he awoke with a blanket draped over his body and his computer lid closed, two things he definitely had not done before falling asleep. He sat up, unfolding a piece of paper sitting atop his laptop,  
‘I thought we were getting somewhere, but I can’t be around you, knowing that you’ve seen that side of me. Thank you for your time, Erin’.   
He punched the wood of his desk as hard as he could, the corner breaking the skin over his knuckles. He barely noticed the pain as he dialled Liv’s number,  
“Barba? What’s up?”  
“I know what happened to Erin.” His voice was low and uneven, she sighed over the line,   
“That is a story for her to tell you, not me, you know that.”   
“She’s not going to answer my calls, Liv, I need her address.” She sighed again as she read out the address Erin had offered for drinks a few weeks ago,   
“Good luck.” He quickly stood, plugging the address into the app on his phone, pocketing his wallet and rushing out of the office.  
His brain had tried approximately forty ways to tell Erin how he felt, but none of them sounded right. He hadn’t been this nervous since the bar exam.   
He’d already stopped twice, for gas and again when he found an open florist’s. Both times he almost turned the car around, only dissuaded when he heard her voice in his head, ‘every time things get hard, you run’, he wouldn’t run from her again.


	8. Relief

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Barba arrives at Erin's door, will he be able to stop hiding his feelings, and how will Erin react?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this reasonably short chapter took so long... this is the third version I wrote, I put a lot of importance on getting this chapter (and the next chapter) right, so I'm taking my time.

I’d been sitting on my couch for almost half an hour, crying months-worth of unshed tears when he knocked on the door. I was so ready to tell whoever it was to fuck off, only to be greeted by Barba, wearing an indescribably pained expression that sent a flash of hurt throughout my body. 

“Please don’t shut the door.” He mumbled, his voice unsteady but desperate. An aching sob wracked my body, I covered my face, I couldn’t bare seeing him, let alone him seeing me. My nose was running, the tears now freely streaming down my cheeks, I couldn’t hold it back any longer, I was shaking my head, not even sure what I was trying to communicate. 

I heard his footsteps coming closer and I allowed myself a glance at him, he was holding out his pocket square like some kind of paisley peace offering. I just kept shaking my head, and he just watched, placing the pocket square in his pants pocket and just continuing to stand there.   
As the waves of tears subsided, I looked up at him again, his hands in his pockets, his eyes red, tears streaming down his face. 

“I’m sorry… for everything. Sorry I googled you, sorry I didn’t tell you about it, sorry I let you shadow me, sorry I fell in love with you, sorry for what happened to you, sorry that it still hurts, sorry that-“

“Rafael.” I cut him off, I had only called him that in the deepest corners of my imagination, it was quiet and wobbly, but we both reacted like I had yelled it at the top of my lungs, “I need you.”

He took those few last steps, closing the gap between us, his lips crushing desperately against mine. I sighed with relief as his hands cupped my cheeks, pressing a softer, more loving kiss to my lips before holding our foreheads together, our breath warm and moist on each other’s skin.   
With our bodies flush against one another, feeling him hardening against my hip, I removed one hand from his shoulder to cup the growing bulge. He groaned and I felt my face heat, along with parts of my body I had not shared with another person in years. 

“Do you want to go to the bedroom?” I whispered, he smiled, kissing my forehead, 

“Not tonight.” I stepped back, had I misunderstood? “Tonight we need to talk, everything else can wait until we’re both ready.” His thumb wiped a tear from the corner of my eye, smiling sweetly as I nodded in agreement. 

He brewed coffee and explained how he had found the video and not wanting to destroy our newly formed friendship by telling me. He placed the flowers he had bought me in the empty vase in the kitchen. He held me close to him as I told him things I had told nobody about my attack. He kissed my forehead every few minutes or so, admitting it reminded him that this was all real. 

“What are you going to do about your professional hours? I don’t know about you but I can’t pretend we’re just colleagues now.”

“I’m sure Rita won’t mind having me around for seven hours.” He placed another kiss on the top of my head. I yawned and he chuckled lightly, 

“Maybe we should get some rest, it’s been a long day.” I nodded, looking down at my hand as he took it in his own, lacing our fingers together.

Minutes later I was under the covers, watching him as he paced around the bathroom, brushing his teeth. I couldn’t help but smile at the homeliness of the scene, making him grin shyly as he re-entered the bedroom.

“What are you smiling at?” He chuckled, crawling onto the bed beside me, pulling the blankets over us and wrapping his arms around my waist.

“Feels nice.” I whispered, feeling him squeeze me in response before sleep took me.  
_____________________________________________________________________________  
My screams were muffled by his hand as he dragged me into the alley. I could feel him hard behind me as I struggled, kicking at the empty air, desperate for freedom. 

He pushed me against the dirty brick wall, pushing my dress up and forcing his hand between my legs. He was yelling something, gripping me so tight. The line between dream and reality blurred as I awoke, realising I was in my own bed, the body holding me tight belonging to Rafael. 

“Erin, it’s me, you’re safe.” The tears were slowing as I jumped out of bed, looking at the spot I had been sleeping in, forcing myself to take deep breaths.   
He looked reasonably calm despite the angry scratch on his cheek, holding his hand out to me. I stepped forward, placing my hand in his and crawling under the covers again. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” We lay facing each other, my hand still encased in his. 

“I tried to get away, but he grabbed me and pulled me back… I guess no one’s held me like that since.” He smiled sweetly, squeezing my hand,

“Are you okay?” I nodded,

“I don’t have nightmares much anymore, it just took me by surprise. I’m sorry about scratching you.” He raised an eyebrow before touching his hand to his cheek,

“I didn’t think it would mark.” He rubbed at it with his palm before shooting a grin at me, 

“Maybe you could kiss it better.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you're enjoying, the next chapter will most probably contain smut, and the story will probably (knowing me) be pushed into the 'E' rating.


	9. Release

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They wake up after the previous night's admittances. How will they carry on having slept on it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Smut chapter. There is plot... reasonably important plot but I'm sure you can discern the difference, and stop reading if steamy hot hot gorgeous hot lovely hot smut isn't for you.   
> Sorry this chapter took so long to post, I put A LOT of time and effort into it, I think smut can mess with the credibility of a story if it isn't considered carefully. I knew from the start I wanted a few smutty chapters, but I value the story too much for it to be viewed as 'porn'.   
> Anyway, rant over, I hope you enjoy it. I did.

I awoke with the sweetest feeling a Sunday morning could bring, sunlight streaming in through the wooden blinds, his breath tickling the back of my neck, his hard on straining against my back. I let my hand wander down to where his rested on my hip, covering it and rubbing the same soothing circles he had calmed me with in the middle of the night.

After a moment he stirred, placing a soft kiss at the juncture of my neck and shoulder.

“Good morning.” He chuckled, kissing the same spot again. His morning voice was a little lower and rougher than I was used to, sending an unexpected shiver through my body.   
“Are you cold?” I shook my head, rolling over so that I could look him in the eyes.

“I need you.” I whispered, his eyes darkening in response, I could’ve sworn I saw his dick twitch under the covers. He didn’t move however, simply stroking my cheek, 

“I want you so much Erin… but only when you are one hundred percent ready.” 

“I am ready Rafael,” he groaned almost inaudibly at the way his name rolled off my tongue.   
“Seriously, I want you to be the one to rewrite all the bad memories. I trust you.” He claimed my lips for a demanding kiss, letting his long fingers drag down my neck, his thumb brushing over a nipple as he squeezed my breast through the thin cotton of my bed-shirt. 

He chuckled as his thumb swiped over my nipple again, feeling it instantly harden under his delicate touch. I gasped as he moved quickly, taking it into his mouth, dampening the material of my tee. He grinned mischievously as he disappeared under the covers. I giggled as his hands tickled my sides, making the tee ride up, and soon I could feel his stubble as he travelled down my body, leaving a trail of sloppy kisses down my ribs, navel and was now lavishing extra attention on my hipbone, his fingers just lightly gliding over my clit through the thin material. 

I nearly kicked him as he grazed his teeth over my thigh, his fingers pulling my panties down. There was no movement for a moment, my eyes shot open, appraising the lump in the bedding for any of sign of what was going on. 

A nauseous wave flooded through me as I became painfully aware of the scars my attacker had left on me, and now Rafael had seen them too. Maybe this was breaking point, maybe he was just starting to see how fucked I am. Maybe he wouldn’t want to touch me, just like the man had said. No one would want me after that. He had won. 

Rafael’s tongue pulled me out of my reverie, my whole body jumping with shock. He was still again, I squeezed my eyes shut, almost shaking with the idea that the man had ruined this for the rest of my life.

“Erin.” My eyes shot open, confronted with Rafael’s gorgeous face, marred with concern.   
“Erin, you’re shaking.” He stroked my cheek as tears started to gather in my eyes,

“I’m messed up.” I managed to mutter before breaking down entirely. 

“Shh, I don’t care what’s happened in the past, I’m here.” He sat up beside me, his hand patting my hair. I wasn’t even crying over something specific anymore, I’d always found it difficult to cry, it always built up and came out in situations like this. The mixture of insecurity, fear and anxiety overflowing, only spurred on by the humiliation I felt as he watched my confident exterior collapse.

I tried to let his words calm me, somehow sending further sobs wracking uncontrollably through my body. My gratefulness to have him here, adding to the gamut of emotions overwhelming me.

I didn’t remember going to sleep, only waking in his arms.   
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

“Hey.” He smiled sweetly as if nothing had happened, for a desperate moment I could have believed it was just a dream.   
“We don’t have to talk about it now, but when you’re ready, I’ll be here.” I shook my head, looking at him,

“Why are you still here?”

“Do you want me to go?” I shook my head again, so many thoughts wrestling their way to prominence in my head,

“Why would you stick around when you can’t even fuck me?” I stared at the ground, unable to look into his loving eyes.   
He placed his thumb on my chin, turning my face to his,

“I didn’t come over here last night to fuck you. I came to try to apologise to you, because you’re important to me and I want to embark on a relationship if my feelings were shared. Yes, I would love to make love to you, but it’s a two-way street. I don’t want to if you’re not going to enjoy it as much or more than me.”

I knew that sex was enjoyable for both parties in movies, but nothing had ever proven this to be more than a romantic notion. I pulled him close, taking his bottom lip between mine, sucking on it in a show of desperation. 

“I want to… if we take it slow.” He smiled, nodding before capturing my lips again, gently sucking on my tongue. Climbing on top of me, he pulled the covers back, exposing me to the cool morning air. 

“Tell me as soon as anything gets uncomfortable.” He smiled, kissing down my neck again, stopping for a moment to mouth at a nipple, sucking lightly and nipping at the hardening bud, meanwhile taking the other in his large hand, flicking over the other nipple with his thumb. 

His mouth travelled down my body faster this time, his eyes stopping to look into mine, asking permission every so often. My hips stuttered as his 5oclock shadow brushed at my inner thighs again, his lips leaving a tender kiss in its wake. A shiver wracked my body as he lapped at my clit, his thumb rubbing circles over it as his tongue dipped inside me. 

I felt the vibration of his chuckle pulse through me as I moaned wantonly, completely unaware of everything but the welcome intrusion of his probing tongue.   
Removing his thumb, he grabbed my thighs in each arm, spreading me, sucking against me until my hips stuttered sporadically with every stroke of his tongue.   
I watched as he sucked two fingers into his mouth before teasing them over my entrance, pushing one slowly in as my hips jumped. I arched against the bed as his finger curled, toying gently between teasing me and bringing me entirely too close to the edge. Soon the other finger joined it, hitting that magic spot with every thrust. 

“F-fuck Rafael, please!” his eyes remained locked with mine, speeding up his movements slightly before stopping altogether.

“That good?” I grunted frustratedly at him, my hips chasing the lost sensation. 

“Do you want to cum?” he groaned huskily before deeply thrusting his fingers in again, I nodded, moaning, frustrated that my mouth could no longer form sentences.

“Raf.” I whispered, my hand gripped tight around his wrist,   
“Please. Wanna feel you!” I moaned again, my head falling back against the pillows.

“Are you sure?” I nodded, opening my eyes, watching as he pulled down the pair of sweatpants I had offered him, his hard cock causing the fabric of his underwear to distort almost comically. 

Peeling the tight fabric down his legs, his eyes bore holes in my body, I couldn’t remember being stared at with such unyielding desire. They rolled back as he stroked himself, lining our bodies up before pushing the tip gently inside. We groaned simultaneously, his chest hair caressing my nipples as I arched up against him. He stopped for a moment, 

“I can take it.” I whispered through gritted teeth, waiting for him to fully seat himself, 

“Well I can’t. I don’t want this to be over before it starts.” He kissed me demandingly, one hand finding its way under my neck while the other kept us braced. He buried his face in my neck, sucking lightly as he eased more of his length inside me.   
Trailing his hand down my body, he rested on my thigh as he bottomed out,   
“Wrap your legs around me.” I did so without question, pulling him in deeper and closing the gap between our bodies. His hips began a delicious grind, brushing my g-spot with nearly every thrust, causing my legs to grip his hips tighter, his groaning in my ear sending me hurtling towards my impending orgasm. 

I was vaguely aware of my own moans, interspersed with ‘yes’ and ‘Raf’, and ‘please’. Reaching between us, he found my clit, rubbing it quickly as his hips increased in pace and began to lose their rhythm. The heat and pressure inside me was building to an unbearable level, my legs shaking.

I barely registered his own shuddering climax as the flood of pleasure washed over me, so strong from many years without sex, and many months without sex with the man of my dreams. 

When I finally opened my eyes he was lying beside me, a sated grin plastered across his gorgeous face. 

“What?” I demanded as he continued staring gleefully,

“I’d convinced myself that I would never feel like this, but I’m falling so hard for you.” I couldn't curb the smile that tickled the corners of my mouth, and I didn't need to.


	10. Morning Glory

When I next awoke, it was to the sound of my phone vibrating off the nightstand.   
“Yours or mine?”

“Mine.”

“Leave it cariño, it’s Sunday.” His index finger traced over my hipbone as he whispered in my ear, if I thought he was convincing in the courtroom, it was nothing compared to this. 

“Give me a reason to stay.” I giggled, the hairs on the back of my neck standing up in response to the growl that rose from the base of his throat. 

“Really?” he chuckled, his lips tracing a path from my earlobe to the inside of my knee, never quite where I needed it. 

“Rafael.” I whispered through gritted teeth, squeezing his hand when he ignored me. 

“What’s wrong cariño? You can leave at any time.” He was grinning mischievously, closing in on my most sensitive part. 

“Come here.” I moaned demandingly, kissing him deeply as he knelt over me,

“What do you need cariño?” he gasped between kisses, my cheeks were cherry red as I tried to politely phrase the growing need to ride his cock. I shook my head,

“It’s nothing, I want you.” His thumb caressed my heated cheek,

“You can always talk to me Erin, but do you think you could show me what you want?” I felt the blush creep down my neck, nodding. He smiled, 

“How do you want me?” I told him to lay back, I couldn’t think of a greater sight than his hard, naked body lying on my bed, completely under my control. I leaned in to kiss him again, my legs moving to straddle his hips, I felt myself becoming wetter as his half-hard cock brushed against my entrance. He took himself in hand, his other thumb circling my clit. 

“Is this what you want? You want to be in control?” he asked between teasing nips and suck along my jaw. 

In confirmation, I took his cock in my hand, positioning it against his stomach, my pussy grinding down on him, both of us moaning at the exquisite pressure. As I increased the pace, the sensitive vein on the underside of his cock began rubbing against my clit, both of us panting as I chased my orgasm.   
As I teetered on the precipice, the phone rang again, completely startling me and almost sending me flying off the bed. I watched as he looked between me and the phone,

“Don’t you dare answer that.” He huffed, sitting back on his thighs, I mouthed ‘sorry’ and pressed answer. As much as much as I didn’t want my morning ruined, my professional responsibility wasn’t something I could ignore… twice. 

“Hello?” I tried to even my voice out, smirking at Rafael who was still writhing desperately underneath me.   
In that moment, I realised two things; the voice on the other end was Olivia Benson, and this was not my phone. 

“Erin?” Olivia and Rafael both asked, in very different tones. 

“Oh god, hey, I’ll put him on for you.” I squeezed my eyes shut and held the phone out to Rafael, who took it hesitantly,

“Hello? Oh… hey. Ye- okay we’re on our way.” 

“How urgent?” I whispered as he flipped us over,

“We got a little time.”


End file.
